When I was in college, a female friend of mine would always gush about how this one particular guy would touch her when they said hello. Honestly, I just didn’t get it at the time. (I didn’t get A LOT of things at that time!) I mostly remember feeling jealous of him.
In fact it took a good twenty years or so before I realized just how much a woman would trust or distrust me based on how I touched her. Women also get a really good idea of what you’ll be like in bed based on the quality of your touch.
So if you don’t know how to touch your woman “right,” you need to accept the fact that sooner or later some other guy will. (Damn. But it’s true.)
Just the other night I was talking to a woman who was complaining about how her husband has no idea how to touch her. “He’s so clumsy. There’s no presence in his touch. He’s all in his head,” she told me. “I feel like I’m a piece of wood.”
This is why she insists on being in an open relationship… because he doesn’t know how to touch her. She spends time with other men who can hold and touch her the way she wants. And for the last couple of years, she’s stopped having sex with her husband. Sad — for both of them.
This is more common than you’d think. But hey, guys? Listen, it’s not really our fault. We’ve just never been taught the skills. So here’s a little preventative medicine for your relationship with a woman.
There is a whole spectrum to touch, but I’m going to give you a few ideas right now.
- Run your fingers from her heel all the way to her head
- Slowly and lightly, scratch your nails along her back
- Spank her playfully (start softly)
- Wrestle with her
- Bite her gently
- Rest your entire body weight on top of her
- Use various accoutrements to caress her skin: a feather, an ice-cube, a juicy piece of fruit, or a piece of fur.
- Run the tips of your fingers over her skin so lightly that she quivers with pleasure (try her thighs, neck and breasts).
Speed and pressure: These factors make a huge difference in your quality of touch. As you caress her, try going half as slow as you normally do and touch her with half the pressure. Once that becomes your new “normal,” go half again as slow, and half again as light. This practice also makes YOU more present to the touch that you’re giving her, instead of a standard, unconscious, half-hearted stroking.
Sheets: If you have really soft sheets (and you really should) made from bamboo, sateen, or high thread-count Egyptian cotton, you can slowly drag those sheets across her naked body at about 2 inches a second.
Aggression: Most women will — at some time — like to be handled aggressively. They like their butt cheeks squeezed really hard, or pushed down onto the bed and pinned down, or have their hair pulled. But, keep in mind that 1) nearly all women will need to be already turned on by softer touch before being touched aggressively, and 2) if a woman’s history includes being physically abused or even pinned down and tickle-tortured by a father or older brother, she will likely have a strong negative reaction to aggressive touch. If that’s the case, stop your aggression immediately, apologize, and tell her that you’ll never do that again. Then hold her.
This might be a good place to mention that the spectrum of touch, as it varies from woman to woman, is huge. The typical way to find out what a woman likes is to experiment. Unfortunately, with the same touch on the same body part, you could get three completely different reactions from three different women. The first one will melt with pleasure; the second will say, “Hey, quit that!” A third will be completely neutral.
The other way to go is to ask her directly about touch. Here’s a way that will help you to calibrate to her. As you touch her, notice any physical response she has and then comment on it. “Wow, you seem really sensitive there.” “How’s this feel? Just now, I saw you close your eyes and take a deeper in-breath.” It’s an erotic way to play with touch, conversation, and arousal — all at the same time.
You can do a lot of these “touch practices” out in the world: at a restaurant, in a movie theater, walking down the sidewalk, stopped at a red light. Slowly brush your hand down her check, or take her arm, slightly aggressively, with a little smile. Slide your fingers into her hair, starting at the base of her skull, upwards until your palm cradles the back of her head. Then pull your hand away and let her hair tumble between your fingers.
Give the touch your attention: Put your attention on where you are touching her. I can’t emphasize this enough. Shift out of “strategizing mind” and place your attention on the skin you’re touching, and where it meets the tips of your fingers or the palm of your hand.
Here’s an example. You’re in the movie theater, waiting for the previews to end. Your right hand is holding her left hand. Reach across and switch hands, so your left hand is now holding her left hand. This frees your right hand to gently and slowly stroke the length of her forearm with your fingertips. Put nearly all of your attention on your fingertips. Repeat, and add a little variety. If you were talking about something else, either stop talking, or talk about the touch itself. Devote three-fourths of your awareness to your fingertips, and leave the remaining available attention on you, her, and the movie theater. Notice how she responds.
I hope this post helps you understand the power of touch, and even helps you begin to master it. An expert touch is the kind of thing that women tell their girlfriends about. Even if you don’t have a lot else going for you, a woman you touch well will say, “Oh God, the way he touches me, it’s like he knows exactly what I want.”
If you can master touch, your chances of keeping a great woman go way, way up.