My brother taught me how chess pieces moved when I was 7 years old, and I played chess games by trial and error until I was 18. A that point, a really good player took me under his wing and spent time pointing out my bad habits: For instance, I was exposing my queen too early; I made crazy sacrifices with no clear gain; and I had a lazy endgame.
It took some focused attention and practice, but once I made the corrections, I became a good player. I got a ranking, and represented my university at intercollegiate games.
Similarly, a lot of guys develop bad habits in their sex lives. Bad habits that limit their connections, kill their relationships, and create a lot of awkward experiences that prevent them from becoming masterful lovers. It’s understandable, of course, because hardly anyone talks about these kinds of things. Where are you supposed to learn them? But once you read what I’m about to tell you, you can no longer use ignorance as an excuse.
I’m going to share with you three of the most common mistakes guys make as they’re learning to be skillful in relating with women. Don’t. Make. These. Mistakes. They kill chemistry and can create more drama than you can imagine. (If you’ve made these mistakes, you know what I mean.)
#1: Do not ever complain about, demean, or insult any part of your partner’s body.
We all have particular turn-ons and turn-offs. When our partner doesn’t match our unrealistic ideals (often created from viewing thousands of Photoshopped models), it’s easy to get critical and blurt out your “truth.” I’m gonna be honest: seeing a wart in an unexpected place, or a mole with a hair growing out of it, or too much (or too little) pubic, underarm or leg hair (depending on your preference) is not the most attractive thing, and can even be a little shocking. Breast size and shape, butt size and shape, the 10,000 varieties of vaginas… Every woman is guaranteed to have at least one part that doesn’t match the “ideal woman” you have in your head.
But what would be far more upsetting is the look of hurt in her eyes that appears as you bring negative attention to this part of her. Doing something that causes her to emotionally and sexually retreat? That would just put you further from where you want to be with her.
So, be willing to be surprised. If you hang in there with a woman and do your best to love the different parts of her you may find that the turn-offs actually become the unique things that you really enjoy about her. You “truth” may end up being very flexible indeed.
#2. Do not complain to anyone who has a close relationship with your partner about your sex life with her.
Your partner will eventually hear those things you said, and the result won’t be pretty. I’ve seen it happen many times. So I strongly encourage you not to tell your mutual friends things like, “It really throws me off my game when I’m having sex with her and she’s making all kinds of farting sounds down there…”
Complaining to her friends creates weird feelings and distance between everyone involved: between you and her; between you and those friends; and between your partner and those friends. It’s a breach of trust and it makes things messy. A sexual relationship can never reach its full potential if it’s sitting in the middle of a mess.
(It’s OK, however, to talk about your relationship challenges with a counselor or someone close to you who can hold your words in confidence.)
#3. Do not compare your woman to other women.
If you continually tell her about how great a previous girlfriend was, she’ll never feel good enough. As a result, you’ll never have truly rewarding sex.
Especially don’t do this in front of other people! I watched this happen just the other day. This otherwise smart and sensitive guy was telling a group of people about an amazing, sexy woman whom he always desired — with his current girlfriend standing right there beside him! He went on and on. I watched the effect on her. I imagined she was collapsing into a dark pit of self-hate and smoldering anger —which turned out to be the case, as I found out later.
Fact is, the more experience you have, the more you’ll find that there really is no “perfect” body or lover or partner. They all have imperfections, just like you do. But the guys who women consider to be masterful, mature lovers are the guys who have an appreciation for all women and all aspects of women. They realize that there is no such thing as “perfection.” These sexually mature guys do their best to see every woman as perfect as she is.
Women respond to appreciation just like a flower responds to the light of the sun. They open and blossom. So start seeing those parts of her that currently turn you off as unique things that set her apart from other women. Do this instead of seeing them as a reason to lose your turn-on. Then, speak your appreciation directly to her.
One of the greatest gifts you can give her is to actually appreciate her unique parts. And as your woman opens like a flower, you’ll begin to have sexual experiences that never could have happened otherwise.
So guys, now you know better. Remember — and avoid — these three “sexuality killers” and you’ll have a lot more success in creating the love life you’re wanting for yourself.