Make yourself more desirable by becoming a good dancer.

Last week, at an event I was attending, I introduced a female friend of mine to a guy I know. The three of us chatted for a few minutes, and then he excused himself. I asked her if she thought he was good-looking. “Sure,” she said, with a sly smile. “But can he dance?”

What your dance style says about you

Most women know that if a man is a good dancer, chances are higher that he’ll be good in bed. A guy who knows how to move on the dance floor knows his body. He’s in touch with himself. He has good “partner awareness.” He probably knows how to lead.

That’s what my woman friend was getting at. She was somewhat interested in his looks, but she was really wondering was how he moved on the dance floor — and in the bedroom.

Even if a man is not conventionally attractive, if he’s a good dancer, he will attract more than his share of women. So if you’re not attracting the women you want into your life, learning to become a skillful dancer is a great way to change that. And once you’ve charmed a lady on the dance floor, your chances of becoming (or remaining) her lover go way up.

And by the way: Dance increases your cardio capacity; it’s good for your bones and joints; it floods your system with endorphins that fight depression; it strengthens your abdominals, butt, and legs. Dancing connects you to a greater community; it increases self-esteem; and it slows the aging process. Just sayin’.

Learning to dance

So how do you learn to dance? Well, haven’t you ever wanted to be good at a particular kind of dance? Have you ever taken a class in that style of dance? Start there.

If you’re the kind of guy who wants to be good at things right away, I hate to break it to ya, but that’s probably not going to happen. If you currently have two left feet, becoming a good dancer will take some time and dedication.

So get over it and be willing to not look so good for a while.

For inspiration, rent the movie, “Shall We Dance?” (the original Japanese version).

If you really want to take this on as a project and discover a lot of different dance styles, try out a different dance class once or twice a week for the next couple of months. Here’s a very partial list of partner-ish dance styles you could check out:

• Blues dancing
• Freeform/Ecstatic Dance
• Salsa
• Tango
• 5 Rhythms/Open Floor/Soul Motion
• Contact Improvisation
• Swing
• Acro yoga

In many cities, dance studios will offer free classes for one week out of the year. Here in the US, they call it National Dance Week. It’s a great way to check out the huge variety of dance styles.

Find your love affair

You’re basically looking for a dance form to fall in love with. One that really matches the way your body and spirit naturally want to move. Does your body prefer structured or unstructured dance styles? Does it like the rigor of specific steps, or are you more drawn to freeform movement? Then, once you’ve discovered YOUR most delicious dance style (just as in the past you may have discovered a favorite type of food or music), you can then begin to integrate it into your life.

Hopefully the form you choose will also allow you to touch a woman, look in her eyes, and guide or lead her in some manner. Touch and gaze is crucial to most dance styles. And being skillful in moving a woman on the dance floor translates into moving her in the bedroom. From vertical, clothes-on sex to the horizontal, clothes-off variety.

As you become a more skilled dancer, you’ll start to more quickly pick up on how different women move, and how they like to be moved. And just like you’re learning to let go of technique in the bedroom (you are, right?), you can stop focusing solely on the dance technique you’ve learned and just allow the pleasure of the movement to take you over.

Here’s another huge benefit to dancing: You’ll get to experience a lot of “flavors” of femininity, without the drama that can come with being their lover! In any given hour, you could be holding 2 to 12 different women in your arms. From dancing with an “earth mama,” to gently holding a “butterfly”; from a sweet little thing to a fiery, big-busted Amazon. The luxury of variety!

My wish for you is that, both in dancing and in sex, you get the opportunity to fully express yourself, and deeply connect with a partner — body, mind, heart, and soul. You deserve it. And you can have it.

Have you ever had a sexual “misfire” with a partner when it seemed like the two of you were talking different languages in bed? Maybe your eyes were closed and you were deeply feeling your physical sensations, but, dammit, your partner kept bugging you to look at her. (Or look at her while she’s saying “Hi” over and over.) Or maybe you told your partner that you wanted her to dress up and pretend that she was a high-priced call girl, but she acted disgusted that you would want such a thing. She scolded you and said that lovemaking is all about being real with each other, not some made-up “game.”

These kinds of miscues might not just have happened once or twice in your lifetime. You may regularly be experiencing them with your wife, live-in partner, or steady girl.

A Simple Fix

Wouldn’t it be great to know that by simply learning your partner’s erotic language you could not only heal major rifts in the bedroom, but you would also be well on your way to become a cunning linguist? A master of all love languages? A sexual rock star?

This is actually possible. What may seem like worlds-apart, irreconcilable sexual differences at first glance could turn out to be a simple adjustment in sexual “lovestyles.”

Back in 1980, psychologist Donald Mosher first introduced three basic partner “scripts” of sexual experience: trance state, role play, and partner engagement. (Mosher’s categories were later expanded and popularized by psychologist David Schnarch.)

Let’s look at each of these dimensions in turn. Perhaps you’ll discover your go-to sexual style in these descriptions. And keep in mind that there’s no hierarchy among the three styles. Each has its own power. (This is especially handy to keep in mind if you or your partner like to tyrannize the other because you believe in the superiority of your sexual style.)

Entering the State of Trance

People who have Sexual Trance as their primary sex style are focused on the kinesthetic experience of sex. They prefer having sex in private, non-distracting settings. They like slower, repetitive touches from a non-intrusive partner. This helps them focus inward on their sensuality. To them, talking seems like a distraction from the immersion they’re desiring, and they often want the conversation limited to giving instruction about where and how to touch.

Really Good Sexual Trance would mean they were completely absorbed in the sex act and unaware of the external events. They might also have the experience of being taken to another land, or perhaps a hallucinatory sensation. (“The worlds collided. I entered another dimension.”)

I’d estimate that most of the men I coach — perhaps around 60% — would call the Sexual Trance lovestyle their “native” language.

Playing the Role

Folks who get into Role Play enjoy acting out their fantasies with another willing co-conspirator. Being able to play a wide range of roles is a hallmark of someone skilled in this lovestyle — and not just because they happen to be a good actor or actress! Rather, they are comfortable and secure in themselves, and thus can play a variety of roles without feeling phony.

Experts at Role Play get completely absorbed into the scene that they’re playing out — like any good “method” actor would be. For some individuals, the experience of Role Play is also profoundly healing: They get to rewrite (rewire) outdated or painful “scripts” from their childhood or adolescence — a deeply satisfying experience.

No more than 10% of the men I work with have Role Play as their “go-to” style.

Engaging your Partner

Emotion and mutuality are the cornerstones of Partner Engagement. If you’re into romance, eye contact (especially during orgasm), kissing, front-to-front sexual positions, speaking loving words to your partner, and making sure the atmosphere is right in the bedroom, Partner Engagement is probably your primary sex style.

Partner Engagement may have the greatest range of depth of any of the sex styles. At the shallowest level, Engagers use their partners as “pleasure props” in their own opportunistic sex script. Great sex for Engagers might mean a love-filled synergy so powerful that it becomes an archetypal mystical union that celebrates life itself.

This may come as no surprise: As the quality of sex increases for Partner Engagers, the number of available, quality partners decreases. The deepest states seem to demand a partner who is special and unique to you — not a number of casual affairs.

About 30% of the men I work with are primarily Engagers.

How to make this all work?

It’s complex, right? Not only might you have a different primary sex style than your partner; you might also have a different level of depth within the same sex style.  That is, you and your partner might both be Engagers, but you stopped developing at the “performance” level, while your partner has experienced profound moments of unity consciousness during lovemaking.

The key to becoming a sexual rock star — it should be obvious at this point — is to both broaden and deepen your sex styles. Broaden, by experimenting with a sex style you’re least familiar or comfortable with. Deepen, by taking the next step in your primary sex style.

Take a clear, unbiased look at your sexual history with these three categories in mind. Have you gotten in a rut with your rutting, falling into familiar but limited patterns in the bedroom? Do any of these styles seem threatening to you and your sexual identity? Are you intrigued by one of them but aware of shame or fear holding you back?

And for those of you who like to target the low-hanging fruit: Where might you make the most sexual progress with the least effort?

Then determine the next step to take. That might look like, “Talk to Courtney about my ideas for Role Play,” or “During lovemaking, practice maintaining eye contact twice as long as I normally would.” Maybe a first step to creating more harmony in your bedroom is as simple as “Stop judging Stacey for her preferred sexual style and become an expert at it!”

If you can let yourself move forward in this journey with an open mind and a willing heart — instead of a holding a fixed idea about what sex should or should not be — you just might start experiencing more pleasure than you ever imagined.

I’m wishing you well in your journey to become more of who you really are in the bedroom.

Men: Have you ever experienced sex with a woman when she’s completely open to you? When she’s a full and uninhibited Yes! to you as a sexual man?

If you’ve experienced wild feminine openness, you know what I’m talking about. But if you haven’t, let me tell you: It’s one of the most powerful and satisfying feelings a guy can have. That’s one of the biggest reasons we watch porn! Attractive women completely unbridled in their sexual expression.

So how can you get a woman to be that open with you? The key is to start simple: Make sure her needs are met.

What kind of needs? Well, I have a theory I want to run by you.

I was reading one of my old psychology books the other day and I came across Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Do you know it?

It’s often represented as a pyramid, with our most basic physical needs at the bottom — like food, water, and sleep — and progressing up the hierarchy through Safety, Love/Belonging, Esteem, and ending with Self-Actualization at the top of the pyramid. Maslow’s idea was that there are basic elements that motivate humans and a particular order in which those elements should be met.

For some reason, as I was looking at it, I started thinking about a corresponding hierarchy for women and sex. (Just goes to show you what my mind is occupied with, eh?)

The Feminine Hierarchy of Needs

In my sex and relationship coaching work, I hear from both men and women about what women want and need, and I can tell you that a lot of dudes are missing the mark. Guys often want to roll into the sack with women before the women are ready or willing to do so. I’m theorizing that if women had a “need pyramid,” then “good sex” would probably be near the top. That means there’s a lot that would have to be in place — on the stable base of the pyramid — before most women are willing to have sex.

Do you get why it’s important for you to understand her hierarchy of needs? Because if you can pinpoint the issue that’s really keeping your woman from opening to you sexually, you might have a chance of doing something about it. Plus, your inquiring more deeply into her experience will create a stronger bond between the two of you.

So I came up with some ideas about a woman’s needs and issues. I discussed these ideas with some women friends (who had no problem shooting it to me straight!) and made some tweaks based on their input. So now I’d like to present you with:

As with Maslow’s hierarchy, women will generally progress from the bottom towards the top. I’ve arranged the eight levels into two sections, or “phases.” Phase 1 has to do with everything that needs to be addressed in her before you initiate sensual or sexual activity. (I’m assuming that she’s attracted to you and, if these needs are taken care of, would be interested in having sex with you!) Phase 2 includes the process of moving towards sexual activity itself.

Now you’re not responsible for meeting these needs or handling these issues for her — especially those in Phase 1. That’s really her work for herself. But you can definitely lend her a helping hand —and at the very least, not be a hindrance to her. Believe me, many guys are often, unknowingly, their own greatest roadblocks to getting laid! I’m here to help make sure that you’re not in that category.

Phase 1

Let’s look at these needs one at a time and consider what you can do to help her get them met.

1. Bodily Needs. These are similar to Maslow’s bottom-of-the-pyramid physiological needs. Ask yourself these questions first if she seems disturbed. Is she hungry? Thirsty? In pain? Sleep-deprived? Experiencing strong hormonal surges?
   What can you do? You can ask her directly about any of these if you suspect that they might be influencing her. A simple, “How can I help?” is a good question to ask. Or go one step further and actually do something for her that directly eases the issue, once you know what it is. Make her some food. Give her a foot rub or shoulder rub. Run her a bath. Suggest that she take a nap.
2. Safety and security. Does she feel safe with you? Does your woman trust you at the physical AND emotional levels? Can she fully relax and let go in your presence?
   What can you do? In a short-term relationship, if a woman feels comfortable in your presence, that alone might be enough for her to have sex with you. As relationships unfold, though, the feminine’s need for safety and security usually increases. Some women won’t feel fully secure until you marry them. (See my post about balancing a woman’s need for safety with risk: http://www.jimbenson.net/how-can-i-get-her-to-want-me-more/)
3. Low self-esteem. If she’s mentally beating herself up regularly, she won’t be feeling very sexy. Same goes if she thinks she’s too fat or ugly.
   What can you do? If she’s feeling crappy about herself, your words will only go so far. But say them anyway. Tell her she’s beautiful, or speak some other appreciation to her. If she feels loved when you perform particular acts of service, show her how much you value her by offering those acts to her.
4. Stress. Anxiety. Emotional overwhelm. Is she overworked? Worried? Preoccupied and not present with you? Is she seething with unprocessed anger? Or needing to cry and not able to get the tears out?
   What can you do? Stop her with eye contact and say something like, “What’s really going on with you?” Then be willing to really listen to her. Simply giving her room to vent or cry or talk about whatever is going on is often enough for her. And if there’s something you can do to help ease the stress or overwhelm she’s feeling, do it.

OK, so that’s Phase 1 of the Feminine Hierarchy of Needs. There are, of course, exceptions to the hierarchy. There are women who will have sex with you without some of their Phase 1 needs being fully met. There are also some women who will want you to have sex with them in order to help them meet one or more of their Phase 1 needs!

But this hierarchy is a good, general starting place for you to understand what it takes for her to be truly and fully sexually available.

Now let’s look at the details of Phase 2 of the hierarchy: Escalating her to higher levels of sex and intimacy.

Phase 2

If your woman passes the checklist for Phase 1, she’ll possibly be open to being sexual with you. But don’t start by being directly sexual – even though that might be what you want. Remember that her speed is likely different than yours.

Keep in mind as you read the descriptions below that these are not hard-and-fast categories. There’s almost always some overlap among them.

1. Comfort and Ease. Once her Phase 1 issues are handled, a woman will naturally begin to relax and let go. Here are two great ways to help her drop into a space of comfort and ease. A) The first is to lie down and put your body close to hers. Cuddling is underrated by many guys! As you hold each other close, your bodies can begin to relax. B) Once your bodies are together in this way, begin to breathe with her. Synchronized breathing brings the two of you into a state of limbic resonance – a powerful bonding state.
2. Pleasure and Sensuality. Now that she’s experiencing a baseline level of comfort and her body begins to relax, you can begin to introduce non-sexual touching as a way of moving her into the pleasure zone. Experiment with different ways of touching and stroking her, from petting, to deeper pressure, to light fingertip grazes. You can lightly tug her hair. Try touching her with more than just your fingers: use your forearm or the back of your hand. And don’t forget yourself! Touch her in a way that feels good to you, too.
3. Sexuality and Orgasm. Finally! You were probably wondering what took so long for us to get here. Now you can shift from just sensual touch to more explicit erotic contact. This stage covers all aspects of sexual arousal and ways of giving her orgasms — manual, oral and through penetration.
4. Transcendent Sex. I placed this here, at the top of the hierarchy, because some of you (and your women) are not satisfied with ordinary sex. If you’ve started experiencing multiple orgasms as a result of my MOL program, or if you and your woman have experienced some kind of ecstatic sexual moment together, then you have touched on this stage. It’s possible, with practice and the right partner, to return to this place repeatedly. The keys? Learning to relax while you’re experiencing states of intense arousal, and letting go of all that great technique you’ve been learning.

So that’s the Feminine Hierarchy of Needs, at least as it stands right now. Even as I write it out, I already see some changes I might make. But perhaps it’s enough for you to work with for now?

Enjoy each other.