Men: Have you ever experienced sex with a woman when she’s completely open to you? When she’s a full and uninhibited Yes! to you as a sexual man?
If you’ve experienced wild feminine openness, you know what I’m talking about. But if you haven’t, let me tell you: It’s one of the most powerful and satisfying feelings a guy can have. That’s one of the biggest reasons we watch porn! Attractive women completely unbridled in their sexual expression.
So how can you get a woman to be that open with you? The key is to start simple: Make sure her needs are met.
What kind of needs? Well, I have a theory I want to run by you.
I was reading one of my old psychology books the other day and I came across Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Do you know it?
It’s often represented as a pyramid, with our most basic physical needs at the bottom — like food, water, and sleep — and progressing up the hierarchy through Safety, Love/Belonging, Esteem, and ending with Self-Actualization at the top of the pyramid. Maslow’s idea was that there are basic elements that motivate humans and a particular order in which those elements should be met.
For some reason, as I was looking at it, I started thinking about a corresponding hierarchy for women and sex. (Just goes to show you what my mind is occupied with, eh?)
The Feminine Hierarchy of Needs
In my sex and relationship coaching work, I hear from both men and women about what women want and need, and I can tell you that a lot of dudes are missing the mark. Guys often want to roll into the sack with women before the women are ready or willing to do so. I’m theorizing that if women had a “need pyramid,” then “good sex” would probably be near the top. That means there’s a lot that would have to be in place — on the stable base of the pyramid — before most women are willing to have sex.
Do you get why it’s important for you to understand her hierarchy of needs? Because if you can pinpoint the issue that’s really keeping your woman from opening to you sexually, you might have a chance of doing something about it. Plus, your inquiring more deeply into her experience will create a stronger bond between the two of you.
So I came up with some ideas about a woman’s needs and issues. I discussed these ideas with some women friends (who had no problem shooting it to me straight!) and made some tweaks based on their input. So now I’d like to present you with:
As with Maslow’s hierarchy, women will generally progress from the bottom towards the top. I’ve arranged the eight levels into two sections, or “phases.” Phase 1 has to do with everything that needs to be addressed in her before you initiate sensual or sexual activity. (I’m assuming that she’s attracted to you and, if these needs are taken care of, would be interested in having sex with you!) Phase 2 includes the process of moving towards sexual activity itself.
Now you’re not responsible for meeting these needs or handling these issues for her — especially those in Phase 1. That’s really her work for herself. But you can definitely lend her a helping hand —and at the very least, not be a hindrance to her. Believe me, many guys are often, unknowingly, their own greatest roadblocks to getting laid! I’m here to help make sure that you’re not in that category.
Let’s look at these needs one at a time and consider what you can do to help her get them met.
- Bodily Needs. These are similar to Maslow’s bottom-of-the-pyramid physiological needs. Ask yourself these questions first if she seems disturbed. Is she hungry? Thirsty? In pain? Sleep-deprived? Experiencing strong hormonal surges?
What can you do? You can ask her directly about any of these if you suspect that they might be influencing her. A simple, “How can I help?” is a good question to ask. Or go one step further and actually do something for her that directly eases the issue, once you know what it is. Make her some food. Give her a foot rub or shoulder rub. Run her a bath. Suggest that she take a nap.
- Safety and security. Does she feel safe with you? Does your woman trust you at the physical AND emotional levels? Can she fully relax and let go in your presence?
What can you do? In a short-term relationship, if a woman feels comfortable in your presence, that alone might be enough for her to have sex with you. As relationships unfold, though, the feminine’s need for safety and security usually increases. Some women won’t feel fully secure until you marry them. (See my post about balancing a woman’s need for safety with risk: http://www.jimbenson.net/how-can-i-get-her-to-want-me-more/)
- Low self-esteem. If she’s mentally beating herself up regularly, she won’t be feeling very sexy. Same goes if she thinks she’s too fat or ugly.
What can you do? If she’s feeling crappy about herself, your words will only go so far. But say them anyway. Tell her she’s beautiful, or speak some other appreciation to her. If she feels loved when you perform particular acts of service, show her how much you value her by offering those acts to her.
- Stress. Anxiety. Emotional overwhelm. Is she overworked? Worried? Preoccupied and not present with you? Is she seething with unprocessed anger? Or needing to cry and not able to get the tears out?
What can you do? Stop her with eye contact and say something like, “What’s really going on with you?” Then be willing to really listen to her. Simply giving her room to vent or cry or talk about whatever is going on is often enough for her. And if there’s something you can do to help ease the stress or overwhelm she’s feeling, do it.
OK, so that’s Phase 1 of the Feminine Hierarchy of Needs. There are, of course, exceptions to the hierarchy. There are women who will have sex with you without some of their Phase 1 needs being fully met. There are also some women who will want you to have sex with them in order to help them meet one or more of their Phase 1 needs!
But this hierarchy is a good, general starting place for you to understand what it takes for her to be truly and fully sexually available.
Now let’s look at the details of Phase 2 of the hierarchy: Escalating her to higher levels of sex and intimacy.
If your woman passes the checklist for Phase 1, she’ll possibly be open to being sexual with you. But don’t start by being directly sexual – even though that might be what you want. Remember that her speed is likely different than yours.
Keep in mind as you read the descriptions below that these are not hard-and-fast categories. There’s almost always some overlap among them.
- Comfort and Ease. Once her Phase 1 issues are handled, a woman will naturally begin to relax and let go. Here are two great ways to help her drop into a space of comfort and ease. A) The first is to lie down and put your body close to hers. Cuddling is underrated by many guys! As you hold each other close, your bodies can begin to relax. B) Once your bodies are together in this way, begin to breathe with her. Synchronized breathing brings the two of you into a state of limbic resonance – a powerful bonding state.
- Pleasure and Sensuality. Now that she’s experiencing a baseline level of comfort and her body begins to relax, you can begin to introduce non-sexual touching as a way of moving her into the pleasure zone. Experiment with different ways of touching and stroking her, from petting, to deeper pressure, to light fingertip grazes. You can lightly tug her hair. Try touching her with more than just your fingers: use your forearm or the back of your hand. And don’t forget yourself! Touch her in a way that feels good to you, too.
- Sexuality and Orgasm. Finally! You were probably wondering what took so long for us to get here. Now you can shift from just sensual touch to more explicit erotic contact. This stage covers all aspects of sexual arousal and ways of giving her orgasms — manual, oral and through penetration.
- Transcendent Sex. I placed this here, at the top of the hierarchy, because some of you (and your women) are not satisfied with ordinary sex. If you’ve started experiencing multiple orgasms as a result of my MOL program, or if you and your woman have experienced some kind of ecstatic sexual moment together, then you have touched on this stage. It’s possible, with practice and the right partner, to return to this place repeatedly. The keys? Learning to relax while you’re experiencing states of intense arousal, and letting go of all that great technique you’ve been learning.
So that’s the Feminine Hierarchy of Needs, at least as it stands right now. Even as I write it out, I already see some changes I might make. But perhaps it’s enough for you to work with for now?
Enjoy each other.