Men's Work. Tantra Events. Life & Relationship Coaching.

A few comments about the Deida work. Some of these topics may eventually become full-blown articles.

1. In the Deida workshops, men are trained to stand, breathe and hold themselves in a certain way so that women will see them as trustworthy. (Deida says "trustable", but since the dictionary doesn't call that a word, I'll stick with "trustworthy.") When the men are able to do this, the women applaud, sigh with pleasure, or express their approval in some way. This externally oriented feedback loop is what creates the legions of "Deidabots" in the world. There is no training in how a man might actually learn to trust himself or other men; he just learns the appearance of trustworthiness. This might get him a relationship, but won't help him keep one. It's also training him to appear to be something he's not, based on the feedback of the Feminine. God knows we men have had enough of that in our lives.

2. I don't believe that there is such a thing as a feminine or a masculine essence. There is just essence. When you are looking deeply in the eyes of another and there is that moment when the veil drops and you're in the bingo of true connection, both masculine and feminine are present (or neither are!). That's an experience of essence. Essence is the core of who we are. It's everywhere and unchangable. On top of that is our "twoness", our masculine and feminine -- let's call them natures.

3. The 3 Stages are a great marketing hook but a lousy way to structure your life. For instance, I can't relate to the First Stage caricature of the self-absorbed Asshole/Jerk because I was raised mostly by women in a feminist culture and made decisions to not be like "those guys". Since I've learned how to abandon my own needs and masculine nature as well as "shape-shift" in order to win the approval of women, does that mean I've bypassed Stage 1 and go straight to Stage 2? I get to pass Go and collect $200? I don't think so. It just means that I'm a different kind of fucked-up. I can learn from Cro-Magnon guy how to ask for what I want and hang in there when the going gets tough. He can learn sensitivity and awareness and LVC (Less Violent Communication) from me. With some good mentoring and practice, we can both move toward a more integrated, whole experience in this life. That's a heckuva lot easier than a striving for 3rd Stage when my 1st Stage has more holes than Swiss cheese.

4. If Deida's model of the 3 Stages is your current Holy Grail, I hate to break it to ya, but they didn't originate with Deida. John Welwood's work in Journey of the Heart predates Deida's Intimate Communion by several years. Read Welwood's chapter "In Search of the Genuine, Powerful Male and Female" and then tell me that Deida invented the 3 stages. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

That's it for now. Stay tuned for more whining soon!